No More Heroes: Last Stand!
by Aristicus
Summary: Travis arrives in Santa Destroy to find out, once again he's no longer Rank 1. Luckily, his brother Henry is here to help him move up in ranks. Unfortunately, he'll have to kill some annoying people and people he won't want to kill. I suck at summaries. Rated M for language and blood and gore
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Intro to Hell

My name is Travis Touchdown, twice I was Rank 1 in the United Assassins Association or UAA. My twin brother, Henry Cooldown, has recently found out the UAA has gone up in terms of ranked assassins, leading to me dealing with 27 new foes, according to him. I don't even know how I'm going to get through this a third time.

"Good morning Travis." Henry greeted me, wearing his long gray trench coat and his beam katana, the Cross Sword, strapped to his side. My new agent in the UAA, Quincy, informed me about the Mexican/Italian/French Don Killar, ranked at 30. Henry was going to help me kill everyone, and that meant he would also wake me up every morning.

"Morning Henry." I grumbled, getting out of bed. I picked up my beam katana, Blood Berry, and looked at my gray cat, Jeane. She was no longer a kitten, like in the first two No More Heroes. She was a full grown cat, and once again gained weight.

"It's been three years since you've last done your ranked battles, I see." Henry started, getting ready to tell me how to fight. He bought me a punching bag so I could fight it whenever I felt out of practice.

"Yes, I know," I cut him off. "And I didn't forget how to fight over that time. I'm ready to just kill everything and get back to Rank 1. And I'll keep my ranking this time."

"You know, it's not the UAA's fault you stay away too long. That's why you keep on losing the title."

"Shutup, Henry. I've been...busy."

"Whatever Travis. Let's just meet Quincy in the UAA Office."

Henry drove us to the UAA Office, a large building that looked like a stereotypical business office. When we walked in, we were greeted by the black haired man we were going to meet.

"Hey Travis. Hello Henry." He said in a rushed voice. He was always pretty nervous, and tried to stay away from people, he seemed to be a pretty paranoid kid. And yes, kid, I mean he's only 16.

"Hey Quincy." I greeted, bored. "We're still killing Don Killar first?"

"Yeah, and just so you know, he's pretty tough for Rank 30. He's a former matador and has been known to drive people insane. I don't know if that's alright with you, but I have some doubts you'll be able to handle it. Henry I know can do this just fine."

Of course, he praises Henry. Apparently, he's a "good influence" on me, seeing as how he's so calm and formal about everything.

"How long do you estimate the fight will take?" Henry asked.

"Depends on how quickly you kill him. But knowing Travis's killing methods...you should be there for roughly ten minutes."

Great, more time wasted doing complete bullshit.

A/N: Well, this is my first No More Heroes story. I've had this idea for a long time, a No More heroes three, which would be like a co-op game where player two is Henry. Both Travis and Henry have perks, for example, Travis having the charge attack and Henry having the long range attack. Just rambling now. I don't know how this story will turn out, but hopefully you all like it. The 30 ranked assassins idea was inspired by a story called Similarity and Casualty, which I really suggest you check out. It's a great story, and hilarious and original characters make it even better. Anyway, review please!


	2. Chapter 2: Rank 30: Don Killar

A/N: Thanks for such positive reviews guys! It means a lot! Sorry this new chapter is so late, I've been pretty damn busy. But it's here now! And this chapter is pretty special for two reasons. The first being, this is the first Ranking Battle! And the second reason is the fact Travis and Henry are bringing that fourth wall breaking we all love! Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Rank 30: Don Killar

As Henry was driving us to the next Ranking Battle (which happened to be in the arena where the tournaments take place), he began to scold me.

"Honestly Travis, did you really think you could stay away from the UAA for another three years and not deal with this?"

"Well, it's not like I decide if I get to keep my ranking in the UAA," I spat. "That's Sylvia's job."

"Correction, that's QUINCY'S job now. Sylvia's done with the UAA."

Luckily, we made it to the arena before our conversation got out of hand. We got out of the car and entered the arena. Damn, this place was huge. Last time I was here, I fought Dr. Letz Shake, who froze Henry in an attempt at revenge. Our new foe, however, was waiting for us with a huge grin on his face. He looked like that dude from Punch-Out!, Don Flamenco.

"Hallos, fellow assissans!" Don Killar shouted. He had a large cape next to him and on his belt was a whip with thorns. The hilt was a rose and the whip's color was green.

"Hello there, Don Killar. I hope we have a great battle." Henry greeted. I smacked the back of his head.

"Henry, this is a Ranking Battle, not a boxing match! We're not trying to be formal, just kill him!" I scolded.

"Travis, you shouldn't be rude before you kill someone. At least show some character. They're nice enough to show it, even without the development. Margaret in the second game for fuck's sake!"

"Well, the second game happened to have been better! The first was supposedly terrible in terms of controls!"

"Did you even bother to read the instruction booklet, Travis? Or at least take the time to read reviews before playing. And I mean actually READ them, not make assumptions."

"Excuses myself, allies." Don Killar broke us up. "Were we fighting, yes?"

"Yeah, whatever." I brought out Blood Berry, and charged at him. Henry stood behind with the Cross Sword like an idiot. "Hey, aren't you going to-"

I was cut off by the scraping of thorns on my face as Don Killar struck me with his rose whip. Henry rushed behind him, finally helping, and stabbed Killar in the back with the Cross Sword. I got back up, running back over with Blood Berry, hoping to land a hit. Killar swung the whip again, but luckily I was prepared. I dodge rolled out of the way, charging up a swing with Blood Berry. Henry mimicked my moves, yet instead of using the charge attack, he went with a long range orb attack. He shot the orbs, stunning Killar, and I swung Blood Berry, dealing a massive amount of damage, the Mexican/Italian/Fench fighter falling to the ground.

"Very good, very good!" Killar cheered. He swung the whip again, knocking Henry onto the ground. I rammed my sword into his shoulder, dodge rolling to get away from his counter attack. Killar was phazed by the hit, allowing Henry to shove the Cross Sword into Killar's back, ending the life of our first foe.

**DON KILLAR**

_**DEAD!**_

Quincy arrived, his men taking Don Killar's corpse. He turned to face me.

"Great job you two!" He gave me a piece of pizza. Finally, I had something to eat. "Travis, you're now Rank 30."

"That fight was too easy. Probably bored the player to death." I muttered.

"Travis, don't be so rude. It was the first boss, of course he was easy. Perhaps the second will be difficult like Nathan." Henry said, calming me down.

"Yeah, I guess."  
"Your next foe is pretty...ah, weird if you want to say the least." Quincy interuppted. "But that's not important. You need a good night's sleep. Great job on Rank 30, you two!"

And with the, he went away. Henry and I climbed into the car and drove home. I couldn't wait for the next battle.

A/N: So there it is. To be honest, I didn't really like this chapter. Mostly because the ending was kind of...random. But thanks for reading, it means alot! The next chapter will come out soon!


	3. Chapter 3: Assassination Gig 1: Wally

Chapter 3: It's Whore Time! Assassination gig 1: Wally Anderson

A/N Sorry about this guys, I've been so busy and haven't had time to write. But luckily this chapter is here now! Enjoy!

"Travis, wake up!" Henry called, entering the hotel room. I nearly fell out of bed, rather pissed that I had to get up. Today I didn't even have a ranking battle!

"Come on man, why do I need to get up?" I moaned, getting off the floor. "There's no ranking battle today..."

"Because today you'll be doing an assassination, seeing as how you need money to...well, there's a lot of things money could do for you. Starting with buying room service or something." He threw a small folder on the chair in front of the TV, then waited outside for me.

I got dressed, grabbed Blood Berry, and headed outside. As I climbed into the car, I opened the folder and read the file of our target.

Name: Wally Anderson

Nationality: American

Weapon of choice: Butterfly knife

Age: 28

Sex: Male

"So this is the idiot we have to kill?" I asked. "This'll be fun."

"Don't get so cocky, Travis." my brother warned. "You could very well get your ass handed to you if you fuck up in this fight."

Henry pulled to a stop as we found ourselves in the parking lot in front of a shopping mall. We got out of the car and headed on inside. Our opponent was standing at the entrance, as if he knew this was coming.

"So, you fuckers are the ones he sent? Damn, just when I thought the UAA couldn't get any more desperate!" Wally chuckled as he circled us.

"desperate?" I laughed. "The dude who sent us must be desperate to have you killed! I'm the best the United Assassins Association has! Travis motherfucking Touchdown!"

"Travis," Henry snapped. "What did I just tell you about getting overconfident?"

"Oh, calm down, sonny boy." Wally taunted, mocking Henry's accent. "You know we can just settle this fight over a beer and some gold, right?"

"Beer?" Henry sighed, face palming. "Honestly, the beer in America is terrible. You should see the old beer. When it was good for you. Now America has fucked it all up."

"Enough small talk, wasn't I kicking your asses?"

"Kicking our asses? The fight hasn't even started!"

"It has now." Wally rushed over, not even giving us a chance to draw our weapons, and stabbed Henry's shoulder. I grabbed Blood Berry and slashed at our opponent. Wally hopped back, not the least bit surprised I attacked him. Henry got up, bringing out the Cross Sword and immediately launching a long-range attack at Wally. Wally ran through one of the shops, Henry and I hearing the sound of breaking glass. Wally held a pistol as he rushed out of the store he was just in, attempting to shoot us. Henry evaded the attack, dashing behind the foe and swinging his blade.

"Die, fuckhead!" I shouted as I swung my katana, leaving a large wound on Wally's chest. Henry quickly came over to help me, stunning our target. I ended the fight by bisecting our foe, leaving the mall like a badass.

"That fight," Henry began as we drove home. "Was just as disappointing as Don Killar."

I didn't care. I was just glad to have a bigger wallet now.

A/N: This chapter...damn. Not the best I've written. I guess it's okay, seeing as how this wasn't a boss fight. I'm still pretty disappoint by how this turned out. Maybe Rank 29 will turn out better. Anyway, thanks for reading, it means a lot! Have a great weekend!


	4. Chapter 4: Rank 29: Disco Prince

A/N: Well...I haven't written a chapter in a while, have I? Just been so lazy...but don't worry guys! It's here now!

Chapter 4: Rank 29: Disco Prince

Henry woke me up this morning, and boy, was he in a pissed off mood.

"I still can't believe that idiot we faced yesterday had a worse fake accent to mock me than you did," he grumbled as I got out of bed. "What a disgrace. Worse than you! How is that even possible?"

"Hey!" I exclaimed. I objected to that!

"Doesn't matter now. Our opponent is another pathetic little punk. Apparently, he's throwing a party. And he's the life of it."

"Holy shit..." I've never really been to a party. Maybe a few, but those were lame high school parties. This was a real party. Oh shit...this would be awesome.

We reached the place we were supposed to go, and God dammit, this place was huge. A giant ass mansion, and strobe lights could be seen from the windows!

"Well, here we are. The mansion of Disco Prince." I kicked open the door, and pulled out Blood Berry. Shit was about to get real.

"Yeah! DISCO PRINCE!" yelled our opponent. He looked ridiculous. He has a huge blond afro and a disco ball above his head. "Welcome, our special guests, Henry Cooldown and Travis Touchdown! My opponents for this special Ranking Match!"

Everyone at the party cheered. Henry smirked.

"This match may not be as disappointing as I thought it'd be..."

"You know what I don't get?" I said, looking at him.

"What's that?"

"Why the fuck did he say your name first? That's bullshit!"

"Travis, don't be so immature."

"Me? Immature? You called me your baby brother in the last game, as if you knew who was born first!"

"Just get over it. Let's start our fight!"

We rushed to our opponent, only to see a stereo fall on him. We both hopped back, staring at the man who pushed the noice amplifying machine.

**DISCO PRINCE**

_**DEAD!**_

"Who the hell are you?" I shouted.

"MY NAME IS BARON!" he shouted at us.

"God dammit, why the hell are you so loud?" Henry scolded.

"Haha, this Baron don't need to be quiet! You all can't deny he has the most beautiful voice in this whole goddamn place!"

"Besides, Henry," I started, glaring at him. "It's a party. Not a fucking library."

"Yeah, I know that. But this fucker's loud as can be!"

We turned back to our opponent only to realize he wasn't there. Where the hell did he go?

Quincy clapped behind us. "Great job you guys! You may not have killed Disco Prince, but he's dead and you win anyway. Great work!"

"Oh no." I spat, running up to him. "I thought we were done with this bullshit. Don't we have to kill the opponent?"

"Rules haven't changed, Travis." he told me. "As long as the opponent dies, you win his ranking."

Oh my fucking god...

A/N: Yes, not as good as the others, but really, I haven't written in a while! And yes, it's a short chapter, but don't worry. The next one will be a long and annoying battle. Like New Destroyman. But there's 4 instead of two. Rambling!

I have a special prize if you can guess who the Baron and Disco Prince are based on!


End file.
